Left out?

Have you ever just felt out of the loop, like nothing seems to go smoothly and everyone else is doing what they are meant to be doing? Think back or present when you were going to graduate college and you had your whole life ahead of you and you had absolutely no idea what to do with it. That's how I feel now at the age of 27. Like every one's lives have fallen into place and I'm just sitting in the sandbox trying to make my blocks work and fit into place. I already have a kid and a significant other (while not married I'm definitely not in any rush), I already have a job and actually own two cars. So why the hell can't I seem to get the courage and the money together to get out of my house and into my own apartment. Lately I been thinking I might be pregnant again, but I don't know. I'm probably not but things have been weird lately so who knows. Have you ever smelled something and thought what the hell is that smell. Then you realize oh wait that's me. That's when you know you smell bad when you can smell yourself ha ha. Um what else oh yeah I need friends. I need to get out more. I don't get to do everything I want to do because there are constantly responsibilities thrown at me left and right. I wish I was my daughters age, so someone could take care of me.

Vacation Time, need help!

So I want to go on vacation, but I have to wait to see when Kirk gets off and where we should go and what we should do. I don't think he get's vacation till July he said. And I have to take my vacation before the end of September or I lose the days. I have five days, what to do what to do what to do. I want to go to somewhere hot so I can go to the beach and have some drinks by the pool. My parents are going to the Jamaica this week. I'm jealous because they went to Mexico last year. I was too busy having baby lol. I couldn't travel anywhere. The last time I had a real vacation was when I went to Puerto Rico (I think I was like three months pregnant or something). Sure I went to cali in Feb but that wasn't really a vacation that was more like a shopping spree. I want to go somewhere with my honey and spend some much needed quality time together. Any suggestions??

the B word!

"Boredom is a condition characterized by perception of one's environment as dull, tedious, and lacking stimuli. There is an inherent anxiety in boredom; people will expend considerable effort to prevent or remedy it, yet in many circumstances it is accepted as an inevitable suffering to be endured."

Right now I would say that definitely describes the way I'm feeling. On top of that I can't seem to stay still and am feeling extremely antsy. I'm sitting here at work with absolutely nothing to do, which I have a feeling will be like most of the summer and I'm already bored. It's only April. Everyone next week is going away for work too so again more boredom to come. Goody Goody Gum Drops!!

You know what, I think I'm even too bored to continue writing. I'm bored with work, I'm bored with life, I'm bored with bills, I'm bored with people, I'm bored with time, I'm bored with everything in general and in between. I'm especially now bored of this blog, which is probably boring in itself.

Sleeping ...

Every day at work it's so utterly drab that I am literally falling asleep at my desk. The summer is the slowest time for us and it really doesn't help that there is really no one around me to shoot the shit with. So I tend to just play online ALL day literally. That's probably why I really started this blog so that I would actually have something to do while at work since I have no work to do.

I think the reason I keep closing my eyes and wanting them to stay closed other than the fact that I'm extremely tired is the fact that I hit the snooze button about five or six times every morning. If you wake up after the alarm goes off your awake but going back to sleep for those extra five minutes over and over again your body just wants to stay in that state. I've been doing pretty good not hitting that snooze button, but this morning I just had to and I did many times and sure enough I'm beyond exhausted. Maybe if I get some freah air it will make it all better. I'll test that theory out in a few minutes. For now I will sit here at my desk in the back of the room staring at the computer screen with no windows near me and people passing by constantly being annoying.

Virginia Tech

The title alone should made you sad and sympathetic.

A Virginia Tech student was behind the massacre of at least 30 people locked inside a campus building in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, the university said Tuesday.

The bloodbath ended with the gunman's suicide, bringing the death toll from two separate shootings — first at a dorm, then in a classroom building — to 33 and stamping the campus in the picturesque Blue Ridge Mountains with unspeakable tragedy.

This happened yesterday, thankfully I know none of the victims but then again unthankfully it's a tragedy that shouldn't have happened. There was insufficient time or ability to send the rest of the students messages regarding the earlier shooting which didn't help the situation at hand but unfortunately they just weren't ready for it. But then again who could possibly be ready for someone to come in and just start shooting randomly without a purpose. Why do people do these things, what in their head triggers the thought that they want to go out and kill innocent people. I mean yeah people get angry because someone else does something that pisses you off, but that doesn't mean you have to act out your anger on them. I think I am not certain that this shooting all started with a girl, there's just no reason. I mean it's really no better than wars, which I also think are nonesense too. Not the people dying but just the concept of war. Just be you know, why bother with stupid things, why are people so damn greedy and selfish and just unintellegent. I don't understand half the stuff that goes on in this world but it happens and even if you don't understand it you have to deal with it. Everyone is affected in one way or another and it's just complete sadness.

Systematically Slow Friday

It's so weird how all week it will be slow, then Friday will be OMG busy, but then once you get the things you received completed the hours drag by slower than a turtle trying to get out of quicksand. It's like I know I only have an hour left, but it will feel like 5 hours by the time it's done. Because I have absolutely nothing to do. How boring is that? It's not as if I can leave either. Although i wish I could, I can't.

The other day I took this test it was cute, the are you amrter than a fifth grader. the fun test. I won't tell you what I got, I didn't do horrible thank god, I got about a b+, a-.

So tomorrow is expo ... I'm an avid scrapbooker and an even bigger shopper. Shopaholics anonymous is what I need to join, I just can't stop sometimes. I'll go to a website or something and put all the things I want in the cart and then i'll just leave without checking out. Cause those are things I want but know I don't absolutely need them. I'm sure I have wishlists on a million different sites, some probably so old they don't make them anymore. I'm kind of excited and scared about tomorrow. Cause I'm going alone which is a bummer, but then on the other hand I can go and come as I please and not have to wait for anyone or stand there searching for people and where they went. But then again what if I need someone to get in one line so I can get in another, oh the drama of shopping. I really do need a shopping buddy. But we'll see what happens, I can't wait!!! I've got the shopping bug and I hope they have new stuff.

One of Many Secrets

So I kinda have this little bug thing ... the wedding bug. Do I, do I not want to? It's all abck and forth yet. It's not like I've been asked but you know when and if I do get asked I'd like to know what I would say. I kinda think that that little paper will be the end of our relationship, that's why I'm terrified of it. But then I'm curious about all the other stuff you know, the wedding stuff. I am female after all. I don't know how comfortable I would be in a wedding dress. I'm so blah about it. I'm girly but not THAT girly you know. I know my dad wants a church wedding and what not but not me, take me to the beach with the waves crashing in the background and no shoes that would be awesome. so opinions on this dress though. If anyone knows me knows I love tunic type things. Anyways I don't know... you married people out there tell me, is it worth it? I mean it's not that I don't love him, cause I do obviously duh we have a kid together and he lives with me. But is that piece of paper signifying unity really a necessity. It's so bad when straight people try and avoid marraige so much and there are non straight people who would love to have it .. they are insane hehe. But if you can do it and make it last (straight or non) more power to you, cause I really don't know if I could do it. Things are fine the way they are now, let's keep it simple, but it's still nice to just imagine you know. hehe. Hopeful weird thinking. I'm a confused person who can never make up their minds. I hate making decisions.

Updates on the u know what

Nothing to update, unfortunatly she had to leave to see my uncle who had a heart attack, as did my mother. So my brother for the time he was home was quite pleasant even though she was calling him constantly .. nastiness. Her kids were actually really nice too .. my younger brother says it's totally her, that she's the problem. Cause when she was not around everyone was happy and fine. So HA she needs to get the f outta dodge (kristi). But she won't not anytime soon. My brother took his TV though so let's see what her excuse now is. She may actually have to spend some time with her kids .. oh oh watch out the witch is back!!!

Just call me LISPY

So I went to the dentist to put in my caps, no not the gangsta caps with gold or whatever on them ... nerds. I had a root canal etc etc anyway back to the point. It's in the front, and you know when you talk your tongue hits the back of your teeth to make certain sounds. Well sure enough duh they are new and feel weird so now I am having a slight lisp until I get used to them. I was trying to sing in the car and teach my tongue where it need to go. (that sounds so perverted but true)

I have a Headache...

So today is Good Friday ... the lucky ones have off while I'm stuck at work doing absolutely nothing, which is what I've been doing since oh I don't know TUESDAY!!! Anyway one of the managers is leaving now, well most of them are gone already but yes we are stuck here. Is the last one going to let us leave early? Who the hell knows. I doubt it. Cause he's just that much of a dick. I hate work!

Dr.s Offices and the People who work there!

Ok so I've gotten a bill twice saying to call my insurance for a procedure I did in December when I had to go to the emergency room. So I call my insurance and they tell me to call the provider well no that's a lie I called the person on the bill (provider) and then they told me to call the insurance, which I proceeded to do. Then the insurance tell me you shouldn't have a bill we already paid it, did they receive so and so amount call them back and ask. So I called them back and asked and they said when you have an emergency visit you have two bills one for the doctor and one for the hospital. The bill my insurance was talking about was for the hospital so that's nill and void, so they tell me to call the insurance back and ask about the doctor bill. So I call the insurance back and they tell me it's through so and so plan and that the doctor is part of the plan so the bill is a discounted amount through the plan. So I call the provider back and tell them what the insurance says how the amount is not my responsability and that the doc is through the plan, which then the lady gets on the phone and says no the doctor is not in the plan, I tell them that's what the insurance tells me, I mean I don't know what else to do they said if you want you can give them a call to figure out what's going on. So she's like ugh fine I'll give them a call and I'll call you back. I'm like if your going to call me back now I'm at a different number so she was all annoyed by that (the whole time I'm on the phone with the provider people both woman are total bitches and sound very annoyed that I'm even bothering them with this menial task). I tell her that I'm going back and forth here, I call you, you tell me to call them, I call them they tell me to then call you. This of course happened like three times, so I've made already six calls between the two of them. So I'm like well you can call them if you want and talk to them to see what's up. Duh hello, why didn't you call them to begin with to see why they didn't pay the bill instead of telling me to call my insurance for them to only tell me to call them right back. It's all very confusing and now I have a headache and don't want to talk to either of them and am now waiting for the bitch to call me back and tell me if I need to pay this back or not.

But my rant is one why did I have to make so many calls when they could have called each other to begin with and two why do they have to be so damn rude when I was quite nice to them and polite. I don't know what's going on do I look like I'm in medical billing NO, so get on it and do your job and stop huffin and puffin cause I'm actually making you do some work. Geezus people are annoying. I can't stand them sometimes.

Frustrated with Responsabilities

Having a baby really changes your life in so many ways. I mean I always knew it was going to be a lot of work, but they were not kidding in the least. I used to have friends, I used to have time, I used to sleep. I used to shop for myself a lot, now I walk into a store and straight to the baby section. I will always leave a store with something for my kid. She has to be the most spoiled kid I know, well duh I don't really know many. She was the first baby I've ever held. It's a glorious and beautiful thing believe me, having a child that is. But I'm tired, and I just need a couple days to actually sit down and get things done. It doesn't help that I live with so many people and there is always someone doing something or just something.

I remember a time when I would go out and just hang out with friends. I don't know what happened. I mean I know in college everything was fabulous. Then after college came and people started dwindling by the wayside, which is understandable because everyone needs to start their own lives. But the numbers kept dwindling smaller and smaller until after the baby where the number turned zero. My friends are the people I live with (the ones I like anyway). That's it. I'm telling you babies change your lives forever. I used to be a scrapbooking speedster. Now I'm lucky if I get at least one page or one project done a week. It's horrible I tell ya. I haven't even done Christmas. I wish just once, that my significant other would take the responsability roll and just take our kid and spend the day with her all day so that I can get things done that I need to do because it's been so long or I never have time. But he never does, because he's extremely selfish. If you asked me two years ago if this is how I would picture my house, my answer would probably be no. I would at least be living in my own damn place haha. that might be the only difference.

Tuesday what happened?

It's like monday was so busy because duh it's monday you have to get all the work done that accumilated from the weekend. Wednesday is hump day, it's just that much closer to the weekend so it's a beautiful day. Thursday you can practically taste the long island ice teas. Then there is beautiful Friday, finally you can leave work and do whatever the hell you want because you know you have nothing to do tomorrow. Then the weekend has arrived and it's glorious, Saturday run around do what you can and Sunday is a day of relaxation because you know tomorrow is Monday and back to the daily grind, but whatever happened to Tuesday, what the hell is Tuesday but just a random day they put there so that all other days could have some kind of special meaning. I don't know ... who made up this calendar thing anyway.

I'm still living at home

And not only am I still living at home, but yes wait for it here it is .... my boyfriend and my baby are with me as well, in a little room living together with my family where I swear it feels like a hostel sometimes. There are 12 of us all together ... but one is moving out so make it 11 for now. Even though they are still there because they are going out of town on business for a month, ok fine let's leave it at 12. So you already know it's me, my man, and our baby. There's my mother and father (their house obviously), my younger brother, older brother, my cousin and her two kids, and my younger brothers best friend and my uncle. I'll introduce them when I rant about them lol.

There is constantly some type of drama going on around my house it's just never ending story there (and not the good kind where that kid flies on that puppy in that movie) nope, we're talkin about the princess' land didn't get saved from the darkness that overcame the world. (yes i'm referring to that damn movie neverending story). And oh my goodness let me not start on the gossip that goes around, seriously my house is divided eventually I'll get into that. But for right now it's divided in half with few if none in a nuetral corner. If one talks about one we all talk about all. And yes I know 12 ppl are a lot so before you think we're Mexicans (nothing against them of course just stereotypically speaking) we're not but we're hispanic none the less, cause I don't think there are too many ppl who love each other so much that no one wants to leave home haha.

I know I'm jumping around a little bit but I just want to try and introduce myself so you can get an idea of who I am. Which is very opinionated (but very quiet) everything seems to happen in my head, I know I can say things out loud but then again I know if the thoughts came out of my head that there will be major chaos in my life and therefore I choose to keep things to myself and only tell a select few. But if you catch me online I'll definitely rant at you about anything and everything. Like people who can't drive and the road rage I have in my head (which I know have a massive headache I wonder why), the incestual happenings I swear is going on in my house ... which I have some interesting funny news on which i'll tell later of course. And how can we not forget about the rantings I have about my significant other (I can't call him my better half cause honestly I think I'm the better half haha but I love him dearly). Those rantings will go on forever cause there are just tooo many people who don't think about what they are doing or are about to do or other people for that matter. Ok I'm gonna start another post ... let's hope I can get the hang of this blogger thing.

Incestual Happenings ... further investigated

I have no viral proof of this mind you just a lot of hear/say stuff and then maybe things I see here and there. Like you know those little touches people who are in love or are in the first stages of love do with each other. For example your in the kitchen and you need to pass there could be 10 feet of space between that you could walk through but instead you brush your arm against the other person, or put your hand on their shoulder just so that you could feel their warmth under your hand .. yeah that is the kind of stuff I see between my brother and my cousin. Can we say hello Incestual Happenings. In the beginning when she moved in because she found out several years ago that her husband well let's just say wasn't on the straight and narrow she endured it for four years but then finally couldn't take it anymore so she got out and moved in to my mothers house. Hence the disruption in the house and the division took place I'd say about 2 months later. So it started out simple, she would hang out with him and his friends (this was when his friends were still coming over, they now no longer do). But then it would come to a point where his friend would come over and he would leave his friend and go out with my cousin, that was rude everyone thought it was weird and eventually it would get weirder and weirder. Cause me being the person I am, (I hate her btw) said something to her about her not helping around the house and what not and we had a little "pow wow" and in that little meeting, my own brother, my OLDER brother, the one who is supposed to look out for me and protect me and all that good stuff, took her side and completely and disregardedly (am I making up words now) went completly against me. His reasoning was that I was jealous because there was another female in the house. First of all we didn't hang out that much if at all to begin with so what would I be jealous of? I just had my baby (who is female by the way another female in the house but I'm not jealous of her nope I'm jealous of my thirty something year old cousin who left her husband to come and "hang out" here and be with my twenty something year old brother). You tell me what am I jealous of?

So months would go where they would be closer and closer and closer. People would see things and of course what's the first thing they do ... tell me, why? I don't know they just do. Everyone comes to me and tells me everything like I'm supposed to do something. Out of respect for my mother I have not and will not say anything because my mother doesn't need that added stress. Not that I don't tell my mother everything I just don't voice my opinion to "It" (my cousin that is her name from now on). Because if I spoke to It about everything I swear someone would end up in the hospital and it wouldn't be me, know what I'm saying. So not only does my brother take "its" side on absolutely everyone against absolutely everyone but they have secluded themselves from the rest of the house and family. They as a family will go out and not tell anyone, (family = It, her two kids and my brother (aka the new daddy)) and they spend all day together. They even text each other all day too. Let's just say it's all so unnatural ... people have said they have seen them kiss or about to .. but then again people have said they've seen the chupacabra. So what am I to believe if I've never seen it.

Enough of that here's the funny thing that happened this weekend. It's kids are also getting fed up with the closeness that is going on inappropriately. The girl (she has one of each) says you never sit by me anymore you are always stuck to him all the time, why is that? She had no answer of course. The oldest, the boy says you always tell me to clean, clean clean and that's all you do is yell and complain. Why don't you leave him alone he is smart he can do his own things, why do you always have to be on top of him, LET HIM BREATH! (mind you i believe he's only 9 telling this to his mother) The only reply she could come up with was ... what did i say to you? Not a denial or anything close to those lines, nope just a what did i say or do to you? What kind of mother is that you tell me? But I thought it was halarious that even her own kids are calling her out on her behavior. My other brother says ha ha she got owned by her own kids. So true, so very very true.

The saga will continue ... but right now I'm tired of typing and it's almost time to go home haha.